Thursday, July 30, 2015


Another quality post brought to you by Steve!
Some of you may have noticed the hashtag #TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter trending on Twitter earlier this week.  (Even though with Twitter being limited to 140 characters - and that hashtag alone taking up 27 - it's nearly impossible to fit one entry into a single Tweet, let alone ten...but I digress.)  So's I thoughts to myself, "Self, you can do this.  But in a better forum.  Blog it, Cochise!"

And so blogging it, Cochise, I am.  I hereby present to you the official* Across the Board list of Ten Things Not To Say To A Writer:

10.)  Where do you get your ideas from?

Suggested response:  Aliens and/or God.

9.)  If you published a book, why are you still working a day job?

Suggested response:  As appealing as pauperhood and starvation sounds, I phoned the local debtor's prison yesterday and they just don't have space for me right now.

8.)  You're going to give me a free book, right?

Suggested response: Yes, after you provide me with your professional services for free.  Say, a dental cleaning, right now.

7.)  You should write one of those FIFTY SHADES OF GREY/DA VINCI CODE/HARRY POTTER/other recently popular books.  There's money in that.

Suggested response:  I said author, not hooker.

6.)  Do you know Stephen King?

Suggested response:  Hell yeah!  Just last night we discussed Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.  All right, we ate mustard packets in the back of his car.

5.)  I've got a million dollar idea for you!

Suggested response:  Don't share that shit, then!  Just remember me after you've made your million!

4.)  I can't pay you, but it'll be great for exposure.

Suggested response:  How about you expose yourself to this great, big, fat pile of turds I just shat out?

3.)  Jeez, I don't think I've read a book since high school!

Suggested response:  Get behind me, Pazuzu!  Quick, somebody get me an old priest and a young priest!

2.)  Boy, the shenanigans me and my co-workers get up to would make for a great book, let me tell you!

Suggested response:  There's nothing about that idea I don't find appealing.  CC me on all your interactions from now on.  Legally, I can't make any guarantees, but just between you and me, I 100% guarantee HOUSE OF A THOUSAND ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE will be on the NYT Bestsellers List a year from now.

1.)  ...

Suggested response:  Quiet desperation. 

Seriously, we had a little fun today, but please reach out to your favorite writers on social media, and in reviews, and at cons, and, heck, any old way you can find them.  Even if you ask some of these questions, they'll probably be gracious and polite and answer you anyway.  Everybody loves a nice conversation with a fan.

How about you, authors, and or author-talker-toers?  Anything you hate hearing?  Let us know in the comments!

*in no way is this list official, nor does it in any way represent the views or opinions of anyone associated with this blog, to include the author of this piece


Mary Fan said...

Have you written anything I would have heard of?

Kimberly G. Giarratano said...

You write YA -- that's like Twilight, right?

Carrie Beckort said...

When are you going to be on the NYT best seller's list?

Stephen Kozeniewski said...

In your case I think the answer to that will be "very soon," Carrie. :)

Stephen Kozeniewski said...

Yes. I wrote WAR AND PEACE.

Stephen Kozeniewski said...

Oh, the ignorance! Everyone knows TWILIGHT is NA.

Brenda St John Brown said...

So, how many books have you sold? Are you making a lot of money?

Stephen Kozeniewski said...

Right, just how you'd ask your orthodontist friends or whatever how much they make.

Jonathan Schramm said...

Is your refrigerator running?

Stephen Kozeniewski said...

It is, yes.

Carrie Beckort said...

I appreciate the confidence, Stephen!

Stephen Kozeniewski said...

Well, I've seen your writing.

Jonathan Schramm said...

Well you better go catch it! Bahaha!

Stephen Kozeniewski said...

Curses! Outwitted again!

Brianna Lebrecht said...

I'm late to reading this, but I love it. Your responses, man. When people find out I write (I'm FAR from being published), they ask stupid questions. But these are gems. Again, I'm talking about your responses. Love it.

Jonathan Schramm said...


Stephen Kozeniewski said...

He he, thanks. They were much more vulgar in the first draft. I decided to tone it down a bit for (presumably) mass consumption...

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