Monday, January 25, 2021

Back Jacket Hack Job: Books I’ve Never Heard of Edition

P.T. Phronk
A post by P.T. Phronk,
of Forest City Pulp fame

I’m scheduled for another back jacket hack job this week, in which I badly rewrite the summary of a book. 

What better way to butcher a book description than to write one for a novel I have not read, nor indeed, even heard of? Let’s take a look at Amazon’s bestseller list and pick a few books I am clueless about.



The Wrong Family: A Thriller, by Tarryn Fisher


Ah shit, sorry, this is super embarrassing. That family you ordered? We actually sent the wrong one.


It was a mixup in our computer system. The boys at the warehouse have had a real thriller of a day trying to get it fixed.


So if you don’t mind, could you place the family you received back in the box they arrived in, affix the return shipping label we sent you, and bring your family to the nearest post office?


Yes sir, yes, I know you’ve been enjoying this family. It’s our most expensive option. 


No, yes, I know, you received this family through no fault of your own. But I’m afraid you didn’t earn this family, and you’ll have to let them go. If you work hard and pull yourself up by the bootstraps, perhaps you’ll be able to afford a more luxurious family in the future. For now, we think you’ll find the Awkward Aunt and Uncle package satisfactory.


Thank you for your business, and apologies again for sending the wrong family.


The Guest List: A Novel, by Lucy Foley


In the thrilling sequel to The Venue Selection: A Novel, Lucy Foley brings us the next chapter in wedding planning adventure: The Guest List: A Novel. Finally having decided on getting married on what seems from the book cover to be an abandoned island, the bride must now choose which of her friends and family most deserve an inconvenient destination wedding.


It’s a novel!


The planning is about to begin, and the guest list could include anyone—including the bride.


Wait actually, yeah, the bride sort of has to be there. But who else? Should she invite her boss, or would that make things weird at work? Will her husband’s Aunt Agatha get in a fight with the bartender again? Wait, is Aunt Agatha even still alive?


Soon, the bride will make her choice. But there’s still one nagging question left: what font will she use on the invites?



Silent Ridge: A Gripping Crime Thriller and Mystery, by Gregg Olsen


The ridge has always been silent.


Once, he thought he heard it talk, but it was only one of those weird birds that sounds like it’s asking a question.


He would do anything to hear the ridge’s secrets. He would even do crime! Gripping, right?


In this gripping crime thriller that is also a mystery, you’ll find out just how noisy one ridge can be. Not noisy at all! It’s a silent ridge. Or is it? Maybe it is.


“This gripping crime thriller was the most mysterious one yet. If you want non-stop geographical-feature-based suspense, this is the book for you.”

—Agatha Olsen, Goodreads Aunt ⭐️⭐️⭐️




Like I said, I know nothing about these books, so, I’m mildly sorry if I stumbled on something offensive here. Bye now.

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