Monday, December 14, 2020

Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Writing

Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Writing

Dorothy Parker said, “I hate writing; I love having written.” 

For some of us, it feels like writing is something that happens against our will. We try to quit—I can do it, just after this next sentence!—but hiding around every corner is a Shiny New Idea, its siren call impossible to resist. The road to hell is those few months between furious dreaming and journaling and when we can finally type The End. As my own siren whispers in my ear, I present to you a list of things I would rather be doing than writing.

1. Eating.

I’m not even picky. Got a half a bag of stale Cool Ranch Doritoes? Hand it over. Freezer-burned ice cream? I’ll have a bowl. Preferably with the Doritoes.

2. Scrolling through my Amazon Wish List

It’s my favorite game of chicken. My thumb hovers over the “Click to Buy” button beneath a package of edible gold leaf, added to the list during a late night Great British Bake Off binge session.

3. Repairing the hole in a hoodie I haven’t worn since 2002.

Remember Volcom? Of course you don’t. We’ve been through hell and back, me and this hoodie. It deserves a little respect. Now, if I only I could get this thread through the eye hole.

4. Cleaning.

Just kidding. I love my filth and my filth loves me.

5. Rearranging the ornaments on my Christmas tree.

This thing has been up since mid-November, when I decided it would be Christmas for the rest of 2020. The way its looking, it’ll probably be Christmas in my apartment until July.

6. Trying to bend a spoon with my mind.

I almost got it this time. Almost.

7. Building a cat tree out of empty Amazon boxes.

The box that delivered the gold leaf is just big enough to cradle my cat’s fluffy behind.

8. Forming an acapella group 

We will sing exclusively Nine Inch Nails covers and use actual nine-inch nails like bells to keep time.

9. Learning to say “fuck the patriarchy” in every language. 

Because what else do you need, really?

10. Teaching my cat to apply band-aids.

With all of these papercuts from assembling the cat tree, it’s the least she can do.


Jessica Lawson said...

This is HILARIOUS and spot on for me (right down to the Great British Bake Off late night binge sessions). Thanks for the smile :)

Kimberly G. Giarratano said...

I would to join an Nine Inch Nails acapella group asap.

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