Monday, June 22, 2020

Google Search: Will My Cat...?

A post by Mary Fan
Hey everyone! Mary here with the latest Google Search segment! Like pretty much everyone else in the US, I've spent the past 3 months holed up at home. This has led to me spending a LOT of time with my cat. The little fuzzball is in my face day in and day out, seemingly in defiance of all those memes joking about how much cats hate this whole quarantine thing because it means their people are around all the time.

Cats, of course, are little weirdos. One minute, they're purring and cuddling, and the next they're attacking your pen as you're trying to take notes during a work call. Being at home all day means I've observed way more of my cat's antics, and I have a lot of questions (seriously though, why is he obsessed with chewing plastic bags??).

So for this Google Search segment, I decided to see what everyone else was wondering about their feline friends.

... Interesting. I can't say these are questions that have personally crossed my mind, but apparently plenty of others have been wondering about them.

I'm not even going to pretend to have the answers to these, since that would mean pretending to understand cats, and we all know that's impossible. Instead, I'll just log my reactions to each of the auto-fill questions.

Will my cat eat my eyeballs?

Why is this the first one that comes up? Though now that I've got the mental image in mind, I can't help thinking of a horror/thriller scene where someone comes in to find a twitching, still-alive cat owner with their eyeballs eaten out and a demonic-looking kitty licking itself with satisfaction... Maybe if I were one of our resident horror writers I would've made flash fic out of that, but instead all I can do is go, "Eek!"

Will my cat come back?

Aw this one breaks my heart since it was probably typed by people whose kitties had run off :-(. To all y'all wondering this, I hope the answer is "yes!"

Will my cat eat me if I die?

Heh, probably, if it's out of food and has no way to get out and find more. Frankly, I wouldn't care if my cat decided to eat me after I was dead. I mean, I'd be dead. What would I care.

Will my cat remember me?

Aww... I'd think so. Despite years of dog-people propaganda about how cats don't like their humans, us cat people know how affectionate our kitties are.

Will my cat forget me?

Same thing, I guess.

Will my cat forgive me?

Lol I can only assume this was typed by people after they accidentally stepped on their cats' tails or otherwise freaked them out and were greeted with growls and hisses for the rest of the day. Having wound up in this position (because I thought it'd be funny to lift my cat like Simba in the Lion King... my cat was less than amused), I can say, "Yup, just let him be a brat for a day or two." Funniest part about the day my cat decided he hated me was that he would get all purr-y and cute when food was at stake, but then go right back to growling and hissing afterward. Kind of reminds me of some people...

Will my cat run away?

I hope not! Though I will say I'm glad I live on the 23rd floor of an apartment building, so that's not a worry for me.

Will my cat eat my plants?

Y'know, my cat's been weirdly good about not eating my spider plant (or my betta fish back when I had one). He does like cucumbers though for some weird reason, so who knows, maybe he just doesn't like spider plants.

Anyway, I can't end this post without a picture of the kitty in question, so here's Dorian, attacking a pile of embroidery floss I was attempting to untangle and sort (and then having to wear one of the friendship bracelets I was making out of said floss):

1 comment:

Kimberly G. Giarratano said...

Not gonna lie--I'm a dog person.
Great post, Mary.

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