Monday, August 20, 2018

Google Search: How do writers...?

A post by Mary Fan
Hey y'all! Mary here, and I'm back with another Google Search! You ask Google the questions, and I give you the *actual* answers, the one that silly search engine can't come up with! Hmm, let's see what the internet wants to know about how writers operate...
wants to know about how writers operate...

Alrighty, here you go!

How do writers make money?

First, you must understand that writers are not born—they’re made. Theoretically, anyone can write, but few will make it through the hallowed halls of the Academy of Witchcraft, Wizardry, Writing, and Weirdness, which must be attended by all writers before they’re allowed to put a single drop of ink to paper. Within this elite institution, pupils are taught all four crafts in tandem, though no one can quite define what exactly the difference between any of them is.

Anyway, back to the original question. Quite simply, as part of their training, writers are taught all kinds of convoluted supernatural tricks, including how to weave together combinations of letters to form spells that will convince a person to open their wallet and give you money. The true letter masters can create works so hypnotic that it doesn’t matter if the written material has anything remotely resembling quality—plot, setting, characters… none of that is necessary. All you need is to invoke the right supernatural forces.

How do writers get paid?

The above referred specifically to getting money from readers. Since “getting paid” implies something more institutional, I will assume that the question refers to how writers get paid by publishers. Well, you must understand that many publishers attended this same Academy and are well-versed in the kinds of otherworldly tricks writers use to hypnotize their victims—I mean readers—into buying their books. So these spells would not work on them. Rather, publishers seek to identify which of the writers asking for their support are the most skilled in these tricks. Once again, the quality of the written work doesn’t matter. The only thing the publisher is concerned with is whether the writer knows how to invoke the money-prying spells.

How do writers rooms work?

Two words: Battle royale. But with the aforementioned letter-spells instead of deadly weapons. Though one could argue that letter-spells ARE deadly weapons.

How do writers write?

Many forms of Witchcraft, Wizardry, Writing, and Weirdness involve unsavory ingredients and horrifying rituals. I won’t go into them here, since I don’t want Google to ban this search result. But suffice it to say that by combining these ingredients and conducting these rituals, writers are able to come up with combinations of letters to achieve the desired result in their victims—I mean readers. I mentioned money above. But some writers think themselves above money and seek other rewards—cult status, personal fame, awards, etc. Letter mastery can be manipulated to achieve any one of these, regardless of the book’s content.

Now, becoming a letter master is not easy, and many who attempt it fail. That is why their wonderful books full of compelling characters and interesting plots never succeed in achieving any of the desired results of money, fame, prestige, etc. The writer simply didn’t know the right kind of hocus pocus. Meanwhile, plenty of letter masters haven’t a smidge of an idea how to actually craft a narrative, but have struck enough deals with enough supernatural entities to ensure success nevertheless.


Karissa Laurel said...

What are you doing, giving away all our secrets? ;)

Brenda St John Brown said...

I think going for cult status is the best plan all around, honestly.

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