Monday, February 5, 2018

Google Search: Why are writers...

A post by Mary Fan
Hey everyone! Mary here, and it's my turn to do another Google Search! Last time, I answered all your pressing questions about Chinese people. This time, I'll be tackling your questions about writers! Because why not?

So how this works is that I type something into Google and see what the predictive text comes up with. After that, I guess it's up to me.

So, let's see what people have been asking about writers...

Hmm. Interesting. Well, as a writer, I am totally qualified to answer these questions about all other writers. Here we go:

Why are writers so weird?
As you may have noticed, writers are not ordinary human beings. You see, ordinary humans live in one world. We'll call it Earth Prime. Writers, on the other hand, are multidimensional beings. For the most parts, their bodies remain on Earth Prime, where they live, eat, go to the grocery store, etc. But their minds actually exist in alternate dimensions. Some of these resemble ours pretty closely. Others are totally whackadoo, with faster-than-light spaceships piloted by alien queens or hot guys who shapeshift into bloodthirsty monsters... and those are some of the more normal ones. As you can imagine, living in one dimension while existing in many can be quite difficult. So sometimes writers manifest odd behaviors as a result.

Why are writers important?
Because we are multidimensional deities who can create or destroy worlds with the stroke of a pen. Worship us.

Why are writers so sad?
Despite our superpowers, our physical beings are stuck on Earth Prime. This can be quite distressing.

Why are writers so smart?
Existing in so many dimensions takes a lot of brainpower--more than that of an ordinary human. Writers must grow their brainpower by eating the brains of others. Before you get too alarmed--don't worry, your brain grows back. In fact, a writer has probably already feasted on your brains to increase their own intelligence, and you didn't even notice. They're very good at sneaking up on you while you're sleeping, sticking a straw into your skull, and sucking up the gray goodness. You might have a slight headache when you wake up, but like I said, your brain will grow back while the writer gains intelligence. No harm, no foul.

Why are writers reclusive?
Now and then, writers burst from their corporeal forms into beings of pure energy and fly into their alternate dimensions. When this happens, they're likely to incinerate any other human within a certain radius. It is for your own safety that writers isolate themselves, so that they may combust in peace.

Why are writers weird?
See the answer to the first question. Really, Google.

Why are writers drunks?
Writers require certain substances to maintain their corporeal forms. Otherwise, they'd be giant balls of energy bouncing between dimensions all the time. One of these substances is alcohol. Another common one is caffeine. On days when they're writing, the average writer must consume as much of either or both of these substances as the entire state of Arizona, excluding any writers existing there, could in a year.

There you have it: the answers to your questions about writers! Now, if you don't mind, I must go imbibe some alcohol before I burst into a ball of energy again...


Kimberly G. Giarratano said...

We ARE weird drunks.

Cheryl Oreglia said...

Wait...I thought writers were mysterious, exotic, slightly neurotic middle children and now we're weirdly addictive? I can see it.

Mary Fan said...

:-D True that!

Mary Fan said...


Carrie Beckort said...

Fantastic post, Mary!

Jonathan Schramm said...

LOL! Love it!

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