Google Search: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Chinese People

A post by Mary Fan

Heya! My turn to do a Google Search post! Basically, I type a few words into Google and let autofill do the rest... and write a post about it.

Well, as the resident Chinese person here, I thought I could answer some questions about my kind that people have been dying to know, but have been too shy to ask about and so have turned to Google instead.

Here are the results of my Google search:

Good questions, everyone! Very good questions! Allow me to enlighten you...

Why are Chinese peoples' eyes like that?

Hmm... I'm afraid you're going to have to be more specific. Why are our eyes... dark? Rimmed with black lashes? Absolutely gorgeous in a way that makes people so jealous, they have to ask Google why?

Ah, I see. Okay, to answer your questions, Chinese eyes are...

See the amazing alien powers shining in my eyes?

• Different because we are different. See, Chinese didn't evolve on Earth like the rest of you homo sapiens. We're actually descended from a superpowered alien race from another galaxy that came to Earth several thousand years ago, riding dragons and yelling math equations at the top of our lungs.
• So small because we needed more space in our heads for our giant brains. The alien gods who created our kind knew there was a finite amount of space in our skulls and decided to dedicate more space to brainpower.
• Squinted because we spend so much time staring at the sun. You see, one of our superpowers is that we can communicate psychically with the sun, which is actually an all-knowing being that's happy to grant us knowledge as long as we're willing to make eye contact. So we spend several minutes per day staring at the sun, which makes us squint so much, our eyes get stuck that way. 
• Like that because That, in case you didn't know, is a magical gemstone from space with great powers. Chinese eyes are like That because our ancestors were superpowered aliens, and they actually invented That, so of course they made sure all their descendants had That's powers

Why are Chinese peoples' skin yellow?

Because we're dusted in gold. We're so fabulous and good at everything, gold particles just stick to us wherever we go. We can't help it that we're so awesome.

Why are Chinese peoples' eyes squinted?

See above. Hey, the sun tells us the secrets to life, the universe, and everything when we make eye contact. Worth it.

Why are Chinese peoples' heads flat?

Because we spend so much time bashing our heads against walls, which flattens our skulls. It's therapeutic.

Hope that was enlightening! If you have any more questions about Chinese people, I'd be happy to answer them in the comments below!