Monday, October 24, 2016

Back Jacket Hack Job #14 - IT

Hey everybody!  Abigail here with my first Back Jacket Hack Job.  Since it's the spoooooookiest month and all, and since I told you all in my intro post last month how much I love Stephen King, I thought "IT" was a natural choice.  Fun tidbit I found in researching this piece - if you google "IT Stephen King plot synopsis," you find somebody has replaced the summary with the plot synopsis of "Some Like It Hot."  What a clown.

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“Kick off your shoes, take a deep breath, and pull up a seat next to your ol’ pal Boz. You’re an adult now. So I can tell you things I never dared to share when you were younger.“ - Bozo the clown

Thirty years ago, people liked clowns.  They were every kid’s favorite part of the circus, and every mother had the “Clown” section of the phone book earmarked for her next child’s birthday party.  In 1985 clown school enrollment was at an all-time high.  People loved clowns.  Not Stephen King.  Stephen King, not content to leave bozophobia in the house of rare fears and discomforts, opened up the sewer grate and dragged a white-faced gentleman named Nickelwise out of the drain and into our nightmares.  Today, you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, you get a call from Child Protective Services.  He made clown terror the hottest phobic ticket in town.  He made it “IT.”  

Thirty years later, being scared of clowns is old news.  Can creepy clowns still be called “IT” when they roam the forests of flyover country, bothering middle American basic betches?  Stephen King wove the fear of clowns so deeply into our collective national psyche, I bet you can’t even remember why you are afraid of them.  I bet you can’t even remember when you read this book.

Have you even read this book?  You really can’t remember, can you?  I bet you haven’t.  You didn’t seem to notice how I called the clown “Nickelwise” up there.  That was a test.  His name is Pennywise.  Or is that the name of that bad punk band from the ‘90s?  Or are they named after the clown?  You have no idea, do you?  You know you’re scared of clowns, though, and you have a vague sense that started when you read this book.  But you could be wrong.

You know you read “The Stand.”  That was the one in the desert.   Wait, that was “Desperation.”  Didn’t you read “Misery” at the beach a few years ago?  No, actually you’re thinking about how you watched part of the movie on TV when the weather turned really shitty the day before the vacation was over.  Damn, have you read any Stephen King at all?  Or is his work just so pervasive that you feel like you’ve read all of it when you’ve really just watched a few movie adaptations?  

No, you must have read at least one of his books!  You must have!  This is driving you insane!  Why don’t you just crack open the front cover here and read the first few lines, that should jog your your memory.  Come on, you’ve already read this far on the back jacket.  Just open it up and read a few lines.  Just do it.  I’ll wait.

Ha-HA!  You see, this special 30th Anniversary Edition of “IT” is equipped with a high-tech sensor that can tell when you open the book and will charge your Paypal account accordingly.  Stephen King knows nobody reads books anymore.  Now he knows all your account information as well.

Pretty freaky, right?  If that doesn’t scare you, how about this spoiler alert - the climax of the first half of this book features an underage underground gang bang between all the prepubescent protagonists.  Not joking.  

Happy Halloween!


Kimberly G. Giarratano said...

Dude, clowns. Also, Pennywise from the 90s!!!

Unknown said...

I just remember them from the Punk-O-Rama series of albums. How do kids find new music these days without The Wall and all those terrible compilation CDs?

Carrie Beckort said...

I know I've read lots of Stephen King. He writes for this blog, doesn't he? Oh, wait - that might be a different Stephen K... I can't seem to remember. I blame it on the clowns.

Jonathan Schramm said...

Awesome hack job, Abigail! Aren't these fun? It seems like you had fun anyways. Or not. Or wait. Clowns! This was about Clowns! AHHHHHH!!!!

Cheryl Oreglia said...

Love the hack job Abigail, hysterical, and you piqued my interest in the horror genre, I'm not clowning around. I just ordered a Stephen K book but I think it's authored by the celebrity who writes for ACB.

Stephen Kozeniewski said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Kidz Bop has gone nowhere and is just as popular as ever.

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