Thursday, November 12, 2015

Back Jacket Hack-Job #6: Pride and Prejudice

I am currently tossing back Halloween candy like it's Jello shots, trying to figure out how I could hack away at one of my favorite literary works, Pride and Prejudice. I thought it best to re-imagine P&P as told by a well-meaning Jewish grandma (and I can do this because I'm Jewish). So here it goes.

Pride and Prejudice

The man's single and wealthy. Of course, he's looking for a nice girl. Why not you? You're beautiful, although Jane was definitely blessed with a gorgeous punim, but you're just as pretty. Although, maybe you want to do something with your hair. You know, frame it around your face. It will make your cheeks appear thinner. Give the illusion of high cheekbones. I'm not saying you have a fat face, but a few framing layers would take a year off or two and what woman doesn't want to look younger? Am I right? Of, course I'm right. *gently pats hand*

Luckily, you're so much smarter than your sisters. Men like smart girls. They appreciate someone they can talk to, but don't talk too much. This reminds me, you need to play hard-to-get, but not so hard-to-get, you're hard to get. Do you understand what I mean? Show him you're interested, but don't be too aggressive. Men don't like fending off women. You see that Charlotte? She reeks of desperation. I can smell it from here like it was brisket on Rosh Hashanah. Listen, Charlotte can't afford to be picky. But you can, my dear. Don't sell yourself short and settle down with the first guy who shows interest. Make sure he's worth your time. Does he have a good job? That's important. What about his own place? You don't want to be moving in with the in-laws. Nothing ruins a marriage like a meddling mother-in-law.

Lastly, make sure he's handsome. You don't want ugly children. Believe me.

Anyway, I don't want to tell you what to do. You should follow your heart. What do I know? I'm only your grandmother who has watched over you since you were a baby and changed your diapers and bought you savings bonds and who loves you more than anyone, except maybe your sister. Seriously, do what you want. I'll just be over here, keeping my mouth shut. Don't mind me. You won't even know I'm here.


Carrie Beckort said...

I love Pride and Prejudice. This was perfect - although now I'm kind of disappointed that the meddling, I mean well meaning, Jewish grandma isn't in there!

Kimberly G. Giarratano said...

She rocks!

Jill said...

I love this SO MUCH.

Kimberly G. Giarratano said...


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