It's a Shore Thing

To be extremely reductive, there are two kinds of people. Beach people and non-beach people. 

Do you love the sun? Is there nothing better than stretching out on hot sand and reading a trashy novel while sipping a cold beverage? Do you enjoy the waves rolling in on your feet as you walk along the beach at sunset, holding hands with your love?

Or are you Anakin Skywalker?

I come from a mixed family. My mom spent her summers at the Jersey Shore, going to Wildwood with her big family every summer. To this day, she and her siblings rent a house on the shore for a week after Labor Day. 

My dad thought Anakin liked the sand too much. He hated the beach, hated getting hot, hated sand getting in everything. The only thing he liked less was standing in line in the sun, which is also why we never went to Disneyworld as kids. 

Still, I'd head to the beach when I could. Since we were in Halifax, NS, and swimming in ocean water, it was really only warm enough to go once or twice each summer. We'd go with friends or Dad would drop us off and then drive away, tires squealing.

Fortunately, I married a beach person. My wife grew up on the Connecticut shore, living only blocks from the beach. We now go on many beach trips together. 

We recently took a brief end of summer trip to Ocean City, MD. It is a classic Shore Town. Which got me to thinking, what makes a Shore Town? There are plenty of beaches, but just having a beach is not enough. 

Well, I am here to provide you with a list. Every Shore Town has to meet this criteria. Sorry, that's just how it is. 

1) Beach

I mean, that's obvious. Not every beach is a Shore Town, but every Shore Town has a beach. You need a warm, sandy beach. You need umbrellas and pop up canopies. You need fish-belly white tourists (like me) overdoing it and turning lobster red. (I keep telling my wife that I need to get my base burn for the summer, but she is not having it.) 

You laugh, but once the burn fades, I am golden brown. 

You need frat boys playing football. You need kids trying to boogie board. You need those crappy foot showers to attempt to rinse off the sand. If you don't, don't even bother. 

2) A Boardwalk

This is key. You need a boardwalk to stroll along. The boardwalk has to be packed full of just the best, most terrible food options - hot dogs, pizza, funnel cake, fried dough, french fries, lemonade, etc. You know how to tell if the food is good? Check out the seagulls. If you have some big ass gulls that look like they could carry off a toddler, then you've got some good food. They've spent the summer feasting on leftover fries and are now ready to fight you for your hot dog. 

Fries? Where?

You also have to have a plethora of shops selling just the most offensive t-shirts possible. If you don't have a boardwalk stall selling "I Heart Sluts" shirt, are you even trying? 

The shops in Ocean City had the Trump mug shot shirts out, and were selling both GUILTY and NOT GUILTY versions. I told my brother he was getting a NOT GUILTY one for Christmas. He was not amused. 

3) A Crappy Amusement Park

It can be better than crappy, but honestly? Crappy is kind of better. You really aren't getting the full experience if you aren't doing a haunted house ride, where the scariest thing about it is the smell of mold and the surly teen shoving you in. Or a big slide where your mat is so damp it sticks to the slide and will not move. Or a thrill ride where the thrill comes from the question of whether or not the bolts stay bolted. Bonus points if the park is on a pier, and the pier is supported by what looks like rotting telephone poles. 

4) Horrible Puns

Everything in your Shore Town should be named as if a committee of Dads got together and voted on the worst puns possible. You need a restaurant called Crabby Pete's or Crabby Dick's. You need a place with Rusty in the name, like The Rusty Scupper. You need a hotel or a cottage called the Sea Plus. No pun is too bad. 

5) Pastels

Your Shore Town should look like the design team of Miami Vice decided on the color scheme. Bright, light colors everywhere! Remember, you want to look sun kissed, not like you've been hiding under a rock. Bonus points if the pastels are the result of your bright primary colors being sun baked and not retouched. 

6) Mini Golf

You have to have mini golf and it has to be an acceptable theme. Acceptable themes include:

    - Dinosaurs

    - Pirates 

    - Sea Creatures

I will also accept vikings as a subset of pirates. Dragons qualify under Dinosaurs. At the very least, you need a windmill or a waterfall. 

It's important to meet all these criteria, because in the depths of winter you will find some sand in your car mats. Or a crumpled up scorecard from the X-Treme Mini Golf center showing how yo absolutely DOMINATED your family on the T-Rex hole. Or a wrapper from some salt water taffy in your jeans. And you will remember what it was like to be warm and strolling on the sand, fighting off seagulls. 

See you on the Shore!

Victor Catano lives in New York City with his wonderful wife, Kim, and his adorable pughuaua, Danerys. When not writing, he works in live theater as a stage manager, production manager, and chaos coordinator. His hobbies include coffee, Broadway musicals, and complaining about the NY Mets and Philadelphia Eagles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @vgcatano and find his books on Amazon