Monday, October 26, 2020

Google Search: How Should I...?

Another quality post brought to you by Steve!

Hey, everybody!   Horror Christmas is almost upon us.  I thought I might look up how best to celebrate Halloween, but I couldn't even get that far before Google started spitting out its trademark predictions.  So, maybe I'll do everybody a public service and answer the questions more pressing on your minds this time of year.

1.) How should I cut my hair?

Why should I care? (That's a music reference for you youngsters out there.)

2.) How should I vote? 

That's easy. You should always vote your conscience. However, if your conscience allows you to vote Republican this year, then you should probably contact a trusted clergyman, family member, or ethicist for a lengthy discussion.

3.) How should I watch Star Wars?

Whew. There are a lot of answers to that one. Generally speaking, I'd say production order is preferable to chronological, so IV, V, VI, I, II, II, VII, VIII, IX. However, there is a lot to recommend the IV, V, I, II, III, VI, VII, VIII, IX order, where you treat the prequels as a flashback after the big reveal at the end of Empire. All things considered, though, remember that this is a series for bonding with your family, so watch it however makes your loved ones sit down with you and then play lightsaber battles later.

4.) How should I invest my money?

This is a tough one! I am not a lawyer or a financial expert so this does not constitute advice for which you can sue me later. However, the important thing when investing is to diversify. First, I would say pay off your debts before investing in anything. You should also have between six months and a year of your salary in savings to cover you in case of unexpected job loss. As far as actual investments, if nothing else, you should invest at least as much into your 401K as your company matches. Otherwise you're leaving money on the table. If they match nothing, try to invest 5% of your paycheck, and slowly ramp that up. For instance, you could increase a percentage every time you get a raise or promotion, so you won't even notice the change. Beyond that, I would consider investing a few thousand dollars in low-risk, low-return CDs. You can buy a stepladder of CDs so that they are paying out every year for five years, then just continue to reinvest the accrued interest in the existing CD once a year unless you need to cash it out. Beyond that I would contact a qualified broker for investing in the stock market independent of your 401K. Beyond that I would invest in real estate. You could also consider investing in a small business, although that is quite risky, especially in the current climate, which I can tell you from personal experience.

5.) How should I sleep while pregnant?

I would hope on your back, but I strongly recommend you discuss it with your family physician or health care provider rather than googling or trusting this poorly researched blogpost.

6.) How should I draft fantasy football?

I'm actually terrible at this and get worse at it every year that I think I know more. Truth is, my best fantasy football year was my first, when I just let the computer do it for me. So just let the computer do it for you.

7.) How should I dye my hair?

Black. 'Tis the season, after all. There, see, we finally got around to Halloween a little bit.

8.) How should I part my hair?

So many hair questions. To the left, to the left. (That's a music reference for you oldsters out there.

9.) How should I decorate my room?

Start with your bookshelf. Fill it with Kozeniewskis, Fans, Giarratanos, Laurels, Phronks, St. John Browns, Oreglias, and Monroes. The rest will attend to itself.

10.) How should I vote quiz?

See Number 2 above, but remember not to let the outcome of any quiz stop you from voting your conscience.  But, Jesus Christ, never vote for Trump, people.  It's not that complicated.

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