Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Writing

Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Writing

Dorothy Parker said, “I hate writing; I love having written.” 

For some of us, it feels like writing is something that happens against our will. We try to quit—I can do it, just after this next sentence!—but hiding around every corner is a Shiny New Idea, its siren call impossible to resist. The road to hell is those few months between furious dreaming and journaling and when we can finally type The End. As my own siren whispers in my ear, I present to you a list of things I would rather be doing than writing.

1. Eating.

I’m not even picky. Got a half a bag of stale Cool Ranch Doritoes? Hand it over. Freezer-burned ice cream? I’ll have a bowl. Preferably with the Doritoes.

2. Scrolling through my Amazon Wish List

It’s my favorite game of chicken. My thumb hovers over the “Click to Buy” button beneath a package of edible gold leaf, added to the list during a late night Great British Bake Off binge session.

3. Repairing the hole in a hoodie I haven’t worn since 2002.

Remember Volcom? Of course you don’t. We’ve been through hell and back, me and this hoodie. It deserves a little respect. Now, if I only I could get this thread through the eye hole.

4. Cleaning.

Just kidding. I love my filth and my filth loves me.

5. Rearranging the ornaments on my Christmas tree.

This thing has been up since mid-November, when I decided it would be Christmas for the rest of 2020. The way its looking, it’ll probably be Christmas in my apartment until July.

6. Trying to bend a spoon with my mind.

I almost got it this time. Almost.

7. Building a cat tree out of empty Amazon boxes.

The box that delivered the gold leaf is just big enough to cradle my cat’s fluffy behind.

8. Forming an acapella group 

We will sing exclusively Nine Inch Nails covers and use actual nine-inch nails like bells to keep time.

9. Learning to say “fuck the patriarchy” in every language. 

Because what else do you need, really?

10. Teaching my cat to apply band-aids.

With all of these papercuts from assembling the cat tree, it’s the least she can do.

A Kindle Scout sequel

Hey guys! My kids are asleep, soundly, and I'm watching the second season of the Santa Clarita Diet. If you're not watching this gem, shame on you. It's fantastic.

So...I thought I'd do a follow-up to my second Kindle Scout campaign. The follow-up is, I didn't win. Which is a bummer. When you win, you get a $1500 advance, another round of editing, and Amazon's marketing power. That helped me loads when I won my first campaign in 2016. I guess I'm being greedy. Anyway, the big takeaway from my loss was Amazon's reason for it.

They said there wasn't as much scout interest in a sequel as they had hoped. And they cited a common occurrence--the return on investment isn't there for subsequent books in a series. At least, not from a publisher's standpoint.

This brings up an interesting phenomenon. Indie authors typically survive on series. That's their bread and butter. Some authors have a free or cheap starter as a way to funnel in readers to the rest of the books, and as readers get invested, they spend the money on the remaining books. So you might take a loss on Book 1, but you'll more than make up for it on Books 2-10.

But, I suppose that model doesn't work quite as well in traditional publishing, which Kindle Press kinda is. It's a unique model, one that I explain here. For KP, it makes more sense to pass on sequels because the authors will simply self publish them. This buoys the first book in Kindle's catalog without them having to invest $1500 to do it. Does that make sense?

I suppose I'm a glutton for punishment. I am doing a second campaign with a mystery standalone. I was so encouraged by Amazon's feedback on my writing that I can't help but hope they'll like a new story. And if not, well, it's ready to be published.

Wish me luck.