Back Jacket Hack-Job #2: JAWS

A Post By Jonathan

So there’s this shark, right… and he really likes messing with people... and by messing with people, I mean eating them. He usually just goes for hot chicks in bikinis, but he’ll eat just about anyone or anything you put in front of him, including entire boats (gonna need a bigger one!), Killer Whales, and the occasional meddling Martha's Vineyard police chief. 

Jaws --that's the shark's name, really original Momma Shark!!!-- wasn't always this way... He used to be one of those nice, vegetarian sharks, who would smile his pearly white smile at any sea turtle or fisherman passing by. Then one day, while he is on his way to a family reunion in the land down under, he takes a wrong turn at Martha's Vineyard. There he comes across something thrashing in the water. Always the helpful shark, Jaws goes to investigate. That's when he discovers that the something thrashing in the water is a girl who seems to be drowning.

Doing what any nice, vegetarian shark would do, Jaws tries to save her, or at least keep her afloat until the Coast Guard arrives (love those guys!). But then something horrible happens. Somehow, the girl gets her foot caught on one of Jaws's pearly white teeth. He tries to tell her to calm down or she'll hurt herself, but unfortunately sharks can't talk-- especially not with bikini-clad women in their mouths. He tries to let go, but she's thrashing around so much that she eventually cuts her femoral artery and bleeds out right before Jaws's dark, tear-filled eyes.

He is so devastated that he tries to turn himself in, but everyone he tries to tell seems to fall clumsily into his open maw. Before he knows it, he has got a kill sheet longer than Jack the Ripper's. By the time he meets up with Chief Brody and his hunting party, no amount of explanation will get Jaws out of this mess. Now he has no choice but to abandon his vegetarian ways, and try and eat his way out of this horrible place called Martha's Vineyard, if he still hopes to make it to the family reunion on time.

For the story behind Back Jacket Hack-Job, see the first installment here.