Last night I was up until after 1AM finishing a weld cap order that had to be ready when the Baron left for work about four hours later. While sewing, I was watching my newest Netflix addiction, The Fosters, and I reached a point where my eyes started to tingle and moisten, my throat clenched, and my nostrils flared. I knew what was coming, as I've been through this before...
...the ugly cry.
I'm a reader, and as a reader, I live many lives. Once a month or so, I end up snuggled up to a book that makes me fall in love, only to rip my heart out and stomp on it.
Repeatedly.
I still sniffle like an idiot when I see this...
Or remember this?
Here's another one I cried through, only I listened to the audiobook, which meant I was able to keep going when I'd otherwise have to stop because the words were too blurry to see.
And you know what? I do the exact same thing the next month. It's torture, I know.
In fact, I'm currently looking for one of these ugly cry books, which is why I chose this particular topic right now.
Do you have a recommendation for me? What books have you ugly cried through? And, a very important question, what brand of tissue do you prefer?
Alrighty. I'm new, as you know, and this is my first contribution to a recurring segment here on ATB: Back Jacket Hack-Job! For each entry in this series one of our contributors puts on the hat of a total industry hack attempting to write the back cover of a book. Writing terribly is almost as hard as writing brilliantly, so this is a fun challenge. There are three basic formats:
A) A real book. Example: "HARRY POTTER lives in a rundown house on Privet Lane with his adoptive family the Dursleys. The house is probably a colonial, I'm not really sure. Around 1500 sq feet. Of course this is all in England so I guess it would be whatever the equivalent of that is in meters. 500 sq meters, I guess."
B) The contributor's own book. Example: "GRUNGE, GODS, AND GRAVEYARDS is a book. My book. I wrote it. You like NA? Too bad. This is YA, bitches! You can't tell right now but I'm making the devil sign with my fist."
C) A made-up book. Example: "GOLLY GUMDROPS DIBBLE-DUM DREAMHOUSE is the tale of an anthropomorphic gumdrop named Steve Martin. Not the famous Steve Martin. But! He has a secret. A TERRIFYING secret. Because when a walking, talking confection has a sweet tooth, a holocaust of cannibalism will ensue, devouring the entire Grum-Dibble-Dum Dreamhouse."
So. That's what I'm doing. For better or for worse. If you think you might be interested in writing a guest BJHJ (and you are! I can see it from here.), send your submission to Stephen along with a headshot, bio, and social media links. I've picked one of my own books, SWIMMING TO TOKYO, because writers can be sensitive little souls and that person writing dino porn might be having a crap day and I don't want to inadvertently make it worse. Plus, I don't know the dino porn book well enough to BJHJ it ((I don't!!) ), but, boy, do I know mine.
SWIMMING TO TOKYO is mostly a book with unpronounceable words and names. The main character is named Zosia, which is apparently the Polish equivalent of Sophie. The so-called love interest is called Finn. Much better. Finn and Sophie wander around Tokyo eating weird food and getting lost. This is a very believable part of the story because streets in Tokyo mostly don't have names. Also, pizza has mayonnaise on it as a matter of course. These two things are unrelated, but equally disturbing. There are a lot of words/phrases in this story which are in Polish or Japanese. Some translated, some not. All proof that language is confusing those two years of high school Spanish you took do not, in fact, prepare you for anything. At its core, SWIMMING TO TOKYO is a love story. There is kissing and a few R-rated bits. If you can't handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Related: there is also a scene where Sophie cooks dinner. This is PG-13.
Summer is hands down my favorite season. I love the sun, the warmth, and being outside with a cold drink and a great book. Summer is the season of cookouts, beach days, and road trips. It’s also the season of the “beach read”. But what exactly is a “beach read”?
This + Rum = Happy Tara! Yay!
My personal definition of a beach read is a book that is easy to read, doesn’t take a lot of concentration, and is something that, despite many interruptions, can be devoured in one or two sittings. Beach reads are those books that you can take on airplanes (and leave for the next passenger), get sand between the pages, and spill your margarita on and not have the world end. It’s one that you’ll happily lend to your friends when they ask for a book to take on their vacation. I like to think of them as peacocking-books; you read them at beaches and public pools in the hopes that maybe the good looking lifeguard or the sunbathing hottie next to you will ask you about it.
You’ll probably see a movie or tv adaptation of these books in a year or so, thanks to their popularity and general relatable-ness. Probably not award winners but most likely have some pop culture relevance. Maybe an A-List actor in the starring role. Beach reads are lovely because they can be guilty pleasure books that you aren’t “embarrassed” to get “caught” reading. (Note: Never be embarrassed about something you like to read. Haters gonna hate.) “Oh, this? I just picked it up at the airport bookstore on my layover since I had already read everything else there.” Great ice-breaker books.
But really the definition of a beach read is totally subjective and open to interpretation. It doesn’t have to necessarily be of any one genre either. It can be romance, mystery, sci-fi, even a memoir. Each genre has its own beach read.
Past beach reads include Beautiful Ruins, The Paris Wife, Fifty Shades of Grey, Gone Girl, Orphan Train, The Longest Ride, Me Before You, Inferno, Orange Is the New Black, The Boys in the Boat, The Tipping Point, The Help, Water For Elephants, and One Day… just to name a few.
Now I’m no fortune teller or foreseer of the future but I have been selling books for the last 10 years and I like to think that I can spot trends when it comes to reading material. So with nothing but my gut instinct and a bunch of two sentence descriptions here’s a list of books that I think will be this years popular beach reads and ones that I will most likely be recommending to my friends and customers.
The Martian by Andy Weir (Sci Fi)
The Vacationers by Emma Straub (Fiction)
Pretty Is by Maggie Mitchell (Fiction)
The Life and Death of Sophie Stark by Anna North (Fiction)
The Rocks by Peter Nichols (Fiction)
Local Girls by Caroline Zancan (Fiction)
Pretty Baby by Mary Kubica (Mystery/Thriller)
Hugo and Rose by Bridget Foley (Fiction)
China Rich Girlfriend by Kevin Kwan (Fiction)
Suicide Notes From Beautiful Girls by Lynn Weingarten (YA Fiction)
The Hand That Feeds You by A.J. Rich (Mystery/Thriller)
Sick in the Head by Judd Apatow (Humor)
The Rumor by Elin Hilderbrand (Fiction)
Killing Monica by Candace Bushnell (Fiction)
In the Unlikely Event by Judy Blume (Fiction)
...and of course…
Go Set A Watchman by Harper Lee (Fiction)
What do you consider to be a beach read? What book(s) are you looking forward to reading this summer?
So as I was trying to figure out what to blog about today I had an epiphany that if I wanted my post to speak to as many people as possible, I should make it as random as possible. Cast a wide net, you know? So, without further ado, I present some major randomness for your reading pleasure...
#1 Okay, first thing's first, let's talk about the word Ado. It's pronounced nothing like it's spelled. Should be Ahh-Dough, but is more like Uhh-Dooo. Leave it to the French. #2 Let's talk about the French for a second. Anybody ever been to Paris? Why do they call them Frogs anyway? I did some digging and found like a gazillion different explanations. One said it's because Paris used to be surrounded swamps, another because when the English first saw the French flag with the Fleurs de Lis on it they thought it was a frog, and yet another said it's because the French eat a lot of frog legs. Any French people out there who can help a brother out? #3 Let's talk about the Fleurs de Lis. On second thought, let's not and say we did...
#4 Not French related at all, but random all the same, I totally binged on this show on Netflix recently that you Fantasy genre lovers simply have to check out. It's a reality show called The Quest (stick with me here...), that takes 12 ordinary people and plops them into a real-life fantasy world called Everealm (the show is both scripted and unscripted) where they compete to become the One True Hero and vanquish the land of evil. The contestants learn swordplay, archery, etc. and are obviously surprised by every twist and turn the show's writers throw at them.
Every time I watched it I couldn't help feeling like this was closest anyone has come, since maybe Sebastian in The NeverEnding Story, of living out a true storybook life. The contestants stay in a castle, fight a dragon and an evil villain and everything!!! Okay, totally geeking out here. Might be taking over the mantle of resident nerd pretty soon... Seriously though, I can't believe the show wasn't a bigger deal. It has not been renewed for a second season yet, but if it is, you better believe I'll be submitting a an audition video, armor, spandex and all!
#5 I chose Trebuchet font for this post in honor of The Quest and my earlier French-y-ness. #6 Remember when we used to call french fries freedom fries? And french kisses freedom kisses? And french toast freedom toast? That was awesome!
#7 Let's talk spandex for a second... It really is underutilized don't ya think?
#8 Hey did you hear there's a Wizarding School in the US?! The location is unknown, but I'm guessing it's not in Indiana. Trust me, I've looked... I figure it's in Salem, Massachusetts or Roswell, New Mexico or some place cool like that. Who's up for an Across the Board road trip to try and be the first ones to find it? What would it look like anyway? Would there be houses named after Bald Eagles, Buffalo or perhaps a Turducken or two? Would Elvira be the Headmaster? Would Jack Hanna be the Game Keeper? Would there be wands that shoot bullets instead of spells? Time will only tell.
#9 Speaking of good Middle Grade books, I'm currently reading Gregor the Overlander Chronicles by Suzanne Collins. It's been a bit overshadowed by her other series --you may have heard of the Hunger Games-- but really good all the same. She is a master at only putting the good parts into her books. I've never once been bored while reading one of her novels. I strive to do the same.
#10 I hope you haven't been bored reading this post.
#11 If you weren't bored type "Fleurs de Lis" into the comments section so that I know. #12 If you were bored you probably didn't make it this far, but if you did please type "I'm a Frog" in the comments section so that I know. #13 Finally, to tie my title into my post somehow, I leave you with this video and these lyrics:
This Bud's for you!
There's no one else who does it,
Quite the way you do...
So here's to you!
You know it isn't only what you say,
It's what you do!
For all you do...
This Bud's for you!
For all you do...
For all you do...
This Bud's for you!
For all you do,
You know the king of beers is coming through!
Ohhhhhh...
For all you do...
This Bud's for you!
We here at Across the Board are a community, perhaps even more so than the average reader knows. Many's the night I've spent walking Brenda's twin schnauzers or holding back Tara's hair while she "worshipped the porcelain god."
So, when Jonathan recently mentioned to me that his greatest fear is tornadoes, I was immediately seized by a fit of one-upsmanship...er, I mean, solidarity...and immediately knew what I had to write about for my next post:
THAT TIME I SURVIVED A TORNADO
The army has multiple major posts in Germany, where German linguistic skills are in particular demand to help American guests maintain a strong relationship with our local national hosts. My degree being in the German language, the army entered my personal and career data into their normal decision-making processes and naturally concluded that my skillset could be put to best use in Oklahoma. (My assumption is that if my degree was in Korean, I probably would have been stationed in Germany.)
One of the "perqs" of living in Oklahoma is the constant tornadoes. Apparently the deal with tornadoes is that they can only really happen where the ground is flat. As soon as a tornado hits a hill or a mound, poof, it goes up like a fart in the wind. Oklahoma and Kansas basically comprise a giant flat-iron frying pan geographically, which allows near-constant pats of tornado "butter" to go sizzling by.
Native America: Where Simply Not Being Sucked Into a Sky Funnel is a Worth Singing About
Now in the very Southwest corner of Oklahoma, basically in and around the town of Lawton and the army post of Ft. Sill, we were supposed to be good.
"Look out at those mountains," our commanders would say, gazing out majestically, possibly misty-eyed at a few deflated lumps in the ground.
"You mean those hills?" I would probably not, in all actuality, reply.
There are, indeed, a few hills such as "Mount" Scott around Lawton, which are supposed to offer some protection from tornadoes. And they do offer some protection, but ultimately Lawton is still a part of Oklahoma, and must take precautions. For example, we had a tornado siren which normally goes off once a week. Monday mornings if my memory serves me right.
A good friend of mine had just come back from his first deployment to Iraq. He didn't have anywhere to stay so he was staying with us for a few days. The great irony of this was that as he was coming home, I was just on my way out the door, which utterly sucks because it would have been nice to serve together in the same place for a bit. Sunday I was scheduled to deploy and on Saturday we were all hanging out in my townhouse.
That's when the siren went off.
We turned on the news and all the local news stations were breaking in to inform us that a tornado was making its way to town. The sky outside darkened as if on cue from Ed Harris in a weird beret.
One of the first things we had learned in Oklahoma was how to deal with tornadoes. Ideally, you would get into your basement or crawlspace. We had neither. The next best thing to do is to get indoors, away from your windows, and if possible stand in a doorway. (Doorways, for some reason, are the most structurally sound part of your house.)
My wife and I began to panic when the news announced that the tornado (I always imagine him twirling a cane, whistling a jaunty tune) was traveling down Northwest 75th Street. We lived on NW 72nd street. The tornado was quite literally passing within a few blocks of us.
My wife and I both hurried for the powder room, which was the best of our few "indoor, away from the window" options. My redeployed friend, however, had not quite yet gotten over his "death wish," that weird consequence of seeing combat where you simply don't care whether you live or die. He wouldn't come hide out with us, as much as we begged him to, and just continued to sit on the couch, watching TV, insisting that if it was his time, it was his time.
Well, he wasn't moving. And we weren't exposing ourselves to the cyclone of terror. So, huddling up with our cat Felix, we hid, trembling, in the powder room, and waiting for something to change. We heard the TV turn off. I'm not sure if the house quite rumbled. That may have been an exaggeration of my mind. But definitely something was going on outside.
We waited and waited. I'm not sure what for. Maybe for the house to collapse around us and to wait until the door opened up on a patch of rubble which had once been our first home together. Maybe we were waiting for a dove to deliver a strand of laurel. I'm not sure. But eventually we opened the door again and everything was as it had been. Even the raven-black sky had returned to a somewhat more normal, albeit ominous, yellow color.
And my friend had torn the couch apart and was now standing in a doorjam, shielding himself with a cushion. Well, I guess the good news is something had scared him enough to get him over his death wish. The bad news was the next day I deployed to Iraq. And often since then my wife, my old army buddy, and I have laughed over the fact that the very closest I ever came to being killed as an army officer was the day before I deployed to a war zone.
If you're an aspiring writer, then chances are, you're going to find yourself querying literary agents at some point (unless you're planning on going indie). I spent a few years in this state of writerly limbo, reading everything and anything I could find about how to write a letter that could hook one of those elusive gatekeepers to the Big Five publishers. And along the way, I discovered a few exclamations of query frustration from agents on their Twitter feeds and blogs.
Below are ten agent peeves to avoid. Many may seem like common sense, but you'd be surprised what some people will stick in a query...
10. Send an attachment (unless one is requested)
Agents get dozens (if not hundreds) of emails a day from total randos. Most are legit aspiring authors hoping to hook their interest. Some may be jerks sending out viruses disguised as manuscripts. For this reason, most (if not all) agents who accept email queries will explicitly state NO ATTACHMENTS in their query guidelines. So unless their guidelines specifically say otherwise, assume that they want everything in the body of the email.
9. Copy a crap ton of other agents
Even though sending basically the same letter to multiple people may feel tedious and tiresome, copying a crap ton of agents on one email (even if you BCC them) is a bad idea. When you query an agent, you're asking for a business partnership, and business partners should be chosen for a reason. Personalizing each query (even if 98% of them are identical) shows that you at least took the time to email that agent individually.
8. Get the agent's name wrong
Because duh.
7. Waffle about your audience
Examples of what not to do:
This book could appeal to adults or teens or even younger children, depending on their level of maturity...
I suppose you could call my book science fiction, though it really is more like women's fiction in a lot of ways...
Writing may be an art, but publishing is a business. You've got to know who your target audience is. Even though a wide range of people with all kinds of tastes read all kinds of books, marketing folks love to segment. And so do readers. So do a bit of research into what books like yours are being called these days and zero in on the appropriate audience. Also, be sure it's the right audience. If you pitch your book as a romance when it's actually a graphic thriller, the agent will not be impressed.
6. Bloviate about how amazing your book is and how many copies you'll sell
Examples of what not to do:
This is a guaranteed bestseller that will make Stephen King's sales numbers look like pocket change! It will sell at least 10 million copies in the U.S. alone!
My book is the Great American Novel and will put the so-called classics to shame.
This kind of overconfidence makes you sound like an oily used car salesman. In other words, a jackass.
5. Attempt to be "clever"
Examples of what not to do:
Greetings, Monsieur Agent! Please call me Jaques. I am the charmingly Parisian protagonist of...
I dare you to just read the damn thing.
Sure, some back-of-book blurbs or jacket copy might be written in the voice of the main character, but when it comes to queries, it's a bad idea. Don't get cute with your query... just follow the damn guidelines. 4. Forget the query part
Some people, for whatever reason, just send pages without the cover letter. Maybe they don't know any better (in which case, you're ahead of them because you're reading this blog and picking up tips), but in any case... don't forget the query part of querying.
3. Badmouth another book
Examples of what not to do:
All the thrillers put out by the big publishers these days are total crap, but my book is different because...
Unlike filth such as [title of bestseller], my book...
Yeah, Ms. Agent might rep one of those, and she won't appreciate you insulting her clients...
2. Whine about your lack of success
Examples of what not to do:
I know you'll probably delete this query before reading it, but...
If you've made it this far into my query, then I'm impressed, because I'm pretty sure no one has actually read my pitch...
That ain't being clever or irreverent. That's just whiny and irritating.
1. Insult the agent and his/her industry
Examples of what not to do:
You gatekeepers will do anything for money and can't appreciate true art, so I don't expect you to appreciate the work of genius before you...
I've been working on this novel for thirteen years and none of the idiots in the publishing industry seem able to see its true worth, but I'm hoping you'll be different...
That's like saying "your face is hideous, now go stake your career on my stuff."
BONUS: Don't forget to finish the book before query. Querying an unfinished manuscript hoping the agent will love your idea and voice and sign you before it's done is just silly. Sure, maybe some authors get contracts on spec (though usually with publishers, rather than agents), but that's because they have established careers and relationships. For the rest of us, all the agent's got to go on is the strength of the book you're pitching (unless you're a celebrity. In which case, why are you reading this post? Your name alone will get you an agent!)
Hard to tell what to do when it comes to writing a good query - so much about the whole thing is subjective - but I can pretty much guarantee that if you do any of the above, then the form rejection you receive will be the last you'll hear from the person you queried.
As in, you are never, ever, ever getting back together...
A few days ago, Carrie wrote this kick-butt post on why authors need graphics (and can make them in Canva) and I'm going to piggy back off that post and talk about how I made a short story cover using Canva.
I'm not as tech-savvy as I should be for being in my mid-30s (And I don't care what my husband says, iPhones are not intuitive). I don't know how to use Photoshop or GIMP and I get frustrated with technology easily. So when I wanted to publish my short story on Amazon, I had every intention of buying a premade cover, even knowing I wouldn't make a return-on-investment for a 99-cent short story for a long time. But then I discovered Canva and saw that they had an option to create a kindle book cover. So I thought, what the hell, I'll give it a shot. Check out the cover below.
The short story is a spooky YA romance and I think this cover conveys the genre.
Not bad, right? I got the image from Canva (it cost a dollar) and I used one of their book cover templates. I played around with font color, trying white to see if it stood out better against the image. It did for my name, but the color didn't work for the title. You can see my surname isn't totally visible in black. I even played around with filters, adjusting the light for various effects. I think this cover works because of its simplicity. One compelling image and simple fonts. Is it perfect? No. But no one who has reviewed the story has complained of the cover art, so I put this in the success column.
Now, I'm going to be totally honest when I say I don't really recommend authors make book covers for full-length novels using Canva because I think the features are too limiting. However, if you want to publish a short story on Amazon or Wattpad, then Canva is a great site to use.
The cover art cost $1. You can't beat that. And I did make back my ROI. The entire short cost $21 to produce (I paid for a copy edit). It's now free on Amazon, iTunes, BN, and Kobo. And it will stay free. One Night Is All You Need was a beloved piece of writing that was just taking up space on my hard drive. A copy edit, a cheap cover and I was able to publish this immediately. It's a nice sample of my work.
In fairness to Canva, this cover is the best I can do with my limited skills. I'm super curious to see what better designers can do with the program. In fact, if you have designed a book cover with Canva, please link to it in the comments. Show off your stuff.
We're a diverse group of writers, ranging from kidlit to adult. What is the one thing we all have in common? The love of a good story. Welcome, and thanks for stopping by. We'll see you on Mondays & Thursdays!
