Google Search: Why did my...

Hello. It’s the cat again. 

I posted for my human once before. You can find it here. Today I’m completing her Google Search segment for her. Here’s one of her recent searches with the resulting Googlebot suggestions:

First, I’ll never understand why humans are so fascinated with poop. My human even puts some of my poop in a bag a few times a year and takes it somewhere. Then she comes home and praises me for having ‘clean poop’. And she wonders why I try to escape sometimes.

Anyway, I’m not here to talk about poop. Sorry. I’m here to tell you why your cat peed on you. Or more specifically I’ll give you 5 reasons why cats pee on their human authors.

1. Lack of Dedication

As outlined in the previous post I wrote, cats do a lot for their human authors. You’d think that would earn us at least one book dedication. We cats can forgive being passed over for spouses, children, and even parents. It’s when our humans pass us up for second-cousins-twice-removed or some other insignificant relationship. A few human authors have gotten it right—and I can assure you they did not get peed on.

2.  Dogs in Books

I don’t need to explain this one. Obviously, we’re going to pee on you for this lack in judgment.

3. The Zone

All human authors fall into ‘The Zone’ during their writing process. This is when the real work gets done. Their fingers are flying across the keyboard and all else is forgotten. Including our food. This is unacceptable. The food bowl needs to be full at all times. Even if we’re not going to eat it. All cats know we will perish the moment the food line falls two kernels below the top of the bowl. Peeing is the most effective way to quickly pull a human author out of ‘The Zone.’

4.

I changed my mind. I’m only going to give you three reasons. I’m bored with this topic and am off in search of a sunray. Really, if you don’t know why your cat peed on you then you deserved it. Now go Google something about poop.

~ The Cat