"Okay, Google..."

Happy New Year, folks! I'm writing this on the very first day of 2018, although you're reading this on the 4th. I decided not to procrastinate this month. Let's not call this a resolution because I will break it before the week is out, but on this final evening before everyone goes back to school and work, I am sitting at my kitchen island, ice swirling around my whiskey glass, and getting ahead on this one thing. Go me!

As for resolutions, I create them although I typically don't proclaim them. For you, though, I will make an exception. This year I vow to reduce household waste and do without all the crap. Which means deleting all the company emails the minute they hit my inbox and not buy stuff, even though it fills a void inside me that this current political climate seems to be eating away at. But I digress...

On to the Google search. I'm going to do something a smidge out-of-the-box for this post. After four years, I had to part with my iPhone 5s because it looks liked this:

And the battery wouldn't charge over 4%. So I decided to deintegrate somewhat and buy the Google Pixel 2 because it was HALF the price of the damn iPhone 8. Simply put, I like the phone. My favorite feature is the Google Assistant. I can ask it to do things that take me several swipes through various apps. It's crazy efficient. Thus, I thought it would be fun to simply list the dumb stuff I have asked my phone to look up or do for me since owning it a week. And I wanted to share that all with you.

And these are in order as they appear...

1. "Can I listen to my voicemails?" Yup, I had no idea how to access my voicemails. Turns out, I had a lot saved. I never noticed that on my old phone. Great job, 5s!

2. "Find me a recipe for mulled cider." And when I realized it's non-alcoholic, I then said, "Find me a recipe for mulled wine." Result - delicious.

3. And then, "find me a recipe for a hot toddy." I've had a wicked head cold for a month. Don't judge. Whiskey is the cure for most ailments.

4. "Find me the 'make it nice' meme." Apparently, I thought this was a thing. It is not.

5. "Show me a picture of a reindeer." For the kids, of course.

6. "How do you pronounce Ghirardelli?" There was debate on this with my Italian in-laws. I was right. Hard G.

7. "Find me magical Santa handwriting." Santa needed to leave the kids a note, and it better look authentic.

8. "How do you spell bialy?" I was posting something to Instagram and I needed to maintain my Jew cred. No misspellings here.

9. "Find me a horseradish cream recipe." My husband bought an actual horseradish root which BT-dubs stinks to high heaven. It was for steak. I did not eat it.

10. "Find me a recipe for vegan cream cheese." My other resolution is to eat vegan more often. For the planet and my longevity. I want to live to be 100. Easy.

11. "Set an event for Millie's Old World in Morristown, NJ for Friday at 1pm." This is my favorite feature. I will not forget things if Google tells me about them.

12. "Tell me a pun." Because why not? It replied, "Did you hear the one about the chicken crossing the road? It was poultry in motion." Oh, Google.

13. "Define 'altruism.'" I know the meaning, but I was testing the app. I swear.

14. "Show me pictures of tropical beaches." Do you know how cold it is in the northeast right now? My app says 5 degrees. This week I saw a negative sign. My next command is going to have Google book me a plane ticket to Costa Rica.

Anyway, that's my Google Assistant demands. So far, she has complied. What else can I ask her to do? Sound off in the comments.