Buffeted by the Buffet

Is there anything more glorious, nay, more AMERICAN, than the all you can eat buffet?

No, there is not. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. 

I find buffets to be a delight. The endless array of food, the options, the sheer indulgence in display, it's breathtaking. It makes you want to stand and salute. 

It's a fantastic metaphor. Foods from all around the globe getting plopped together on a heated table, side by side, while hungry customers scoop them up and devour them. 

Uh, I may have lost the thread. I'm a little hungry. 

Really, it is America in a nutshell. Abundance. Plenty. Over-indulgence. Greed. And all for about $20.

Recently, Kim and I went to the largest buffet in the USA. It's in East Earl, PA, only about a 2.5 hour drive from New York City. 

Welcome to the Shady Maple Smorgasbord.

Located in Pennsylvania Dutch Country, you'll see signs on the way in warning you to share the road with the Mennonites driving horses and buggies. And it's a little odd, seeing this monument to over eating in the midst of beautiful rolling farmland. (There's also a casino right when you get off the highway. America! Land of Contrasts!)

You walk in to the giant restaurant and you are greeted by a massive lobby and a wide array of three-dimensional folk art. 

Old man with Amish Wagon

Once you've paid for you're buffet and are seated, the sky's the limit. There are signs encouraging you to remember that it's all you CAN eat, and please don't waste food. Ha! They're funny like that in Amish Country. Get your plate and start in!

And you are honestly not prepared for just how much food there is. Steak, pierogis, fried ravioli, ribs, wings, brisket, kielbasa, meats of all kind, and a lot of it locally sourced. (Please don't get the idea this is some kind of French Laundry farm-to-table deal. This is all about consuming mass quantities, and there just happen to be some local farms.)

There is also a long salad bar, sitting there, very optimistically. Be polite and get a carrot stick or something so it feels included whilst you gorge on your third NY strip steak. 

Vegetable? Is that a kind of table or something?

Now, I know what you're asking. Sure, there's a lot of food, but is it good?

And the answer is, yes! Mostly!

The salad (Kim insisted) is very fresh. There is farm cheese that is great. The freshly baked rolls and cornbread is awesome. The brisket and kielbasa are exceptional (although the piece we had was maybe a little too fatty.) The apple dumplings are also delightful. 

Some items may have been on the serving tables a little too long. You can go ahead and try the heat rack pizza, I'll pass. 

Save room for dessert! There are miles of pies and cakes and ice creams. And fruit, if you're into that kind of thing. 

The whole place is a lot of fun. There is an enormous gift shop featuring a lot of Amish quilts and furniture (as well as more affordable items like t-shirts and keychains) And there is a great farmer's market attached that has an amazing selection of local jams and produce. (I have never seen a more diverse selection of apples than I did here. Apples of every variety you can think of!)

It's well worth a visit if you're in the area. And if you have a car, take a day trip! Just leave time for a nap afterwards because those 4000 calories can make you sleepy. 

And watch out for buggies!

Victor Catano lives in New York City with his wonderful wife, Kim, and his adorable pughuaua, Danerys. When not writing, he works in live theater as a stage manager, production manager, and chaos coordinator. His hobbies include coffee, Broadway musicals, and complaining about the NY Mets and Philadelphia Eagles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @vgcatano and find his books on Amazon

Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Writing

Things I Would Rather Be Doing Than Writing

Dorothy Parker said, “I hate writing; I love having written.” 

For some of us, it feels like writing is something that happens against our will. We try to quit—I can do it, just after this next sentence!—but hiding around every corner is a Shiny New Idea, its siren call impossible to resist. The road to hell is those few months between furious dreaming and journaling and when we can finally type The End. As my own siren whispers in my ear, I present to you a list of things I would rather be doing than writing.

1. Eating.

I’m not even picky. Got a half a bag of stale Cool Ranch Doritoes? Hand it over. Freezer-burned ice cream? I’ll have a bowl. Preferably with the Doritoes.

2. Scrolling through my Amazon Wish List

It’s my favorite game of chicken. My thumb hovers over the “Click to Buy” button beneath a package of edible gold leaf, added to the list during a late night Great British Bake Off binge session.

3. Repairing the hole in a hoodie I haven’t worn since 2002.

Remember Volcom? Of course you don’t. We’ve been through hell and back, me and this hoodie. It deserves a little respect. Now, if I only I could get this thread through the eye hole.

4. Cleaning.

Just kidding. I love my filth and my filth loves me.

5. Rearranging the ornaments on my Christmas tree.

This thing has been up since mid-November, when I decided it would be Christmas for the rest of 2020. The way its looking, it’ll probably be Christmas in my apartment until July.

6. Trying to bend a spoon with my mind.

I almost got it this time. Almost.

7. Building a cat tree out of empty Amazon boxes.

The box that delivered the gold leaf is just big enough to cradle my cat’s fluffy behind.

8. Forming an acapella group 

We will sing exclusively Nine Inch Nails covers and use actual nine-inch nails like bells to keep time.

9. Learning to say “fuck the patriarchy” in every language. 

Because what else do you need, really?

10. Teaching my cat to apply band-aids.

With all of these papercuts from assembling the cat tree, it’s the least she can do.