BACK JACKET HACK JOB: "CLASSICS" EDITION

 Here on ATB we have a sporadic tradition of the Back Jacket Hack Job, where we badly rewrite the summary blurb of a well known novel. 

Today I have selected a "classic" novel, The Mill on the Floss, by George Eliot. This is, quite literally, the worst goddamn book I have ever read in my life. Here is my review I posted on Bookstagram a while ago: 

No stars, one finger.

The context in which I read it didn't do it any favors. It was assigned reading in 11th grade English class. At first, it didn't seem too bad. The books being handed out were small and fairly thin. 

PSYCH! They were 500 pages of single spaced 10pt type on wafer thin paper that was almost translucent. It gave me a headache to read it, and the book was lousy so it gave me a headache comprehending it. 

It's apparently supposed to be a searing social commentary of Victorian England, centered on a brother (who wants to restore the family fortune) and sister (who wants LUV). What it is, is a big ol' pile of boring. Nowhere near as sharp as Austen, no compelling plot like Dickens, it's just a gloomy slog of misery. 

The characters are, to put it mildly, jerks. Tom, the brother, is a self-righteous git. He shuns his sister, Maggie, and calls her a harlot because she took a boat ride with a friend. There is no one here you'd care to spend five minutes with, let alone five hundred pages. 

And should you stick it out to the end of this wade through the mire of drudgery, you get a twist ending. After our two siblings finally reconcile, they immediately drown. For no reason. At all. It's as if George Eliot has to meet a deadline and just decided to stop writing because ye olde delivery boy was coming to fetch the mauscript. It's dreadful. 

Anyhoo, here's how I would write the back jacket to better describe the book:

"Two annoying siblings spend 500 pages bickering and striving to climb in Victorian society and die in a flood on the last page for absolutely no reason. Take this book and throw it at a fascist politician and you'll have preformed a better social commentary than  Eliot does here. There, I saved you literally days of your life."

Hey, NY Times Book Review! Consider this my resume. 

Victor Catano lives in New York City with his wonderful wife, Kim, and his adorable pughuaua, Danerys. When not writing, he works in live theater as a stage manager, production manager, and chaos coordinator. His hobbies include coffee, Broadway musicals, and complaining about the NY Mets and Philadelphia Eagles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @vgcatano and find his books on Amazon

The Story of Purim: A twisted psychological thriller that will keep you guessing

Hello readers. How are you holding up? In the Poconos, it hasn't stopped snowing. A few weeks ago, we recieved 30 inches of powder in three days and then it just kept coming. At this rate, I won't glimpse my lawn until May.

In addition to it being February 87th (shortest month, my ass), we'll be celebrating Purim, my favorite Jewish holiday. Purim, unlike many of our more somber occasions, is sheer fun. People dress up. We make cookies. If you go to temple services, you can boo and hiss and wave noise-makers at the villain. It's a delight.

So I thought it would be a hoot to write the story of Purim in the style of a bestselling crime thriller.

First, let's recap(ish) Purim:

Purim is the story of Queen Esther. After King Ahasuerus executes Queen Vashti for disobeying him, he hosts a contest and selects Esther, known for her great beauty, as the winner, and marries her. Esther is Jewish and her new husband has a wicked advisor named Haman. Haman hates the Jews (boo anti-semitism), particularly Esther's cousin Mordecai, who is a community leader. Haman thinks Mordecai and the Jews should bow to him. But Jews only show deference to God, so that isn't happening. Yada, yada, yada, Mordecai is set to die until Esther pleads with her husband to protect her people. Spoiler alert: Haman is sent to the gallows instead. Mordecai becomes the king's advisor and the Jews are saved (until next time).

So this story has all the trappings of a good suspense novel: a beautiful protagonist who is likely underestimated. Powerful and wicked men. Impending death. Comeuppance. 

So let's pretend for a second, that this is the basis for a crime thriller. How would it sound? (Keep in mind, this is a first draft)

***

Queen Esther has it all. A gilded throne. A powerful husband. The Kingdom of Persia at her feet. Life seems perfect, but under that facade lies a web of murder and secrets. Her husband is a dangerous man. If Esther crosses him, she is as good as dead. Just ask his first wife.

Esther's only confidant is Moredcai, a father figure, who sees Esther's status as a way to protect the Jewish people. When the king's ruthless advisor Haman convinces the king to hang Mordecai for disobedience, Esther hatches a dangerous con. She'll not only have to play her husband, but Haman too--risking her life and those of everyone she loves. If she can't take Haman down, she'll die trying. 

***

Ok, so what do you think? It needs some tweaks, but it was a fun exercise. Thus begging the question, what holiday would make for a good book? And what genre would serve it best?