F*CK YOU, MOVIE!

 One of the great pleasures of movies, television, theatre, and books is how they manipulate you. Truly, is there a better feeling as a skilled writer takes you on a roller coaster from the depths of despair to joyful release?  

I know that I have been brought to tears many times in the theatre by a beautiful song or a heart wrenching monologue. I remember watching Les Miserables for the first time, and sobbing as all of the spirits of those who died in the show greet Jean Valjean as he dies. I still tear up at The Sixth Sense every time Cole tells his Mom that he can see dead people, and that Grandma is proud of her.

I’m getting more and more sentimental as I get older, so just about anything can make me tear up these days. (Stupid ad about German grandad doing kettlebells so he can lift up his granddaughter to put the star on the Christmas tree!) But in recent years, I’ve been a lot more sensitive to the movie that is just so blatant about the heartstrings it yanks on, like the hunchback of Notre Dame swinging on the bell. Some movies don’t even try to hide it inside a story anymore, they just clamp a pair of pliers to your nostril hairs and tug. 

My wife and I first noticed this about two years ago, when we were watching A Dog’s Purpose on TV one afternoon. In case you missed it, the premise of the film is that Dennis Quaid has a dog as child, who loves him so much he keeps getting reincarnated so he can get back to him. Note the word “reincarnated,” because in order to be reincarnated the dog has to die first. So, you get to watch this dog, with an inner monologue by Josh Gad, die repeatedly before finally getting to its sappy reunion. 

At this point, my wife and I were both weeping. She turned to me and said “I know what you’re doing, movie, and I do not care for it.”

I simply said “Fuck you, movie!” 

She’s always been the more eloquent one. 

Since then, I have found myself tearily shouting that at the television about once a week. The coming out ballad in the terrible Netflix musical, Prom? Fuck you, movie!

Bjork getting killed at the end of Dancer in the Dark for absolutely no good reason? Fuck you, movie!

Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty ads? FUCK YOU, TINY MOVIE!

Again, I have NO PROBLEM with crying or expressing emotion during a movie or show, but EARN IT! Sure, you can make me cry by having a grandparent hug a baby or by murdering a dog, but that’s the emotional equivalent of Gallagher smashing a watermelon. It’s the lowest form of manipulation.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this. What are some of the maudlin clips that bring you to tears against your will? Share them in comments! I'm sure we could all do with a good yank on the nosehairs.