Here on ATB we have a sporadic tradition of the Back Jacket Hack Job, where we badly rewrite the summary blurb of a well known novel.
Today I have selected a "classic" novel, The Mill on the Floss, by George Eliot. This is, quite literally, the worst goddamn book I have ever read in my life. Here is my review I posted on Bookstagram a while ago:
No stars, one finger.
The context in which I read it didn't do it any favors. It was assigned reading in 11th grade English class. At first, it didn't seem too bad. The books being handed out were small and fairly thin.
PSYCH! They were 500 pages of single spaced 10pt type on wafer thin paper that was almost translucent. It gave me a headache to read it, and the book was lousy so it gave me a headache comprehending it.
It's apparently supposed to be a searing social commentary of Victorian England, centered on a brother (who wants to restore the family fortune) and sister (who wants LUV). What it is, is a big ol' pile of boring. Nowhere near as sharp as Austen, no compelling plot like Dickens, it's just a gloomy slog of misery.
The characters are, to put it mildly, jerks. Tom, the brother, is a self-righteous git. He shuns his sister, Maggie, and calls her a harlot because she took a boat ride with a friend. There is no one here you'd care to spend five minutes with, let alone five hundred pages.
And should you stick it out to the end of this wade through the mire of drudgery, you get a twist ending. After our two siblings finally reconcile, they immediately drown. For no reason. At all. It's as if George Eliot has to meet a deadline and just decided to stop writing because ye olde delivery boy was coming to fetch the mauscript. It's dreadful.
Anyhoo, here's how I would write the back jacket to better describe the book:
"Two annoying siblings spend 500 pages bickering and striving to climb in Victorian society and die in a flood on the last page for absolutely no reason. Take this book and throw it at a fascist politician and you'll have preformed a better social commentary than Eliot does here. There, I saved you literally days of your life."
Hey, NY Times Book Review! Consider this my resume.
Victor Catano lives in New York City with his wonderful wife, Kim, and his adorable pughuaua, Danerys. When not writing, he works in live theater as a stage manager, production manager, and chaos coordinator. His hobbies include coffee, Broadway musicals, and complaining about the NY Mets and Philadelphia Eagles. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram @vgcatano and find his books on Amazon
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