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How often….

 

Like many of you, I am a child of the internet. Most of my useless information comes from middle-of-the-night Google searches and YouTube video black holes that send me spiraling from “how to boil an egg” to “did Catherine the Great really get down with a horse.” I know much of the information on the internet is dubious at best, but I am still (always) amazed at how much knowledge we have at our fingertips, and how little of it we use, content to scroll our lives away.

(No judgement. Give me Twitter or give me death.)

Before we dive neck-deep into the intricacies of the paint strokes in the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, let’s start with something simple.

How often should I poop?

Not only is this first on the list, it’s listed twice. I get it—most conversations don’t start with “Hey, are you regular?” We’re not all Jamie Curtis clutching a cup of DanActive. I poop once a day, twice if I’m lucky, and almost always after my second cup of coffee. You’re welcome.

 How often do you rotate tires?

This is also on here twice and, honestly, something I’ve never thought about. Being on the phone with a mechanic makes me break out in hives, but because it’s for ALL OF YOU, I called my repair guy who told me you should rotate your tires when you get your oil changed, about every 3,000 miles. YOU’RE WELCOME.

 How often should you wash your hair?

Do you stink? Feeling itchy? No? Then don’t worry about it. MOVING ON.

 How often to water grass seed?

If you ask the people who own the EXTREMELY POMPOUS apartment building down the road, you water your grass when it’s raining, after it rains, and just before it rains. (Can you feel me rolling my eyes?) Grass pretty much takes care of itself. If it’s going a little brown, give it a spritz. If it’s green and lush and a carpet of itchy wonderful, leave it be.

 

Go forth and adult. Tell ‘em Kat sent you.