Google Search: 'MURICA!!!

A post by Mary Fan

Hey everyone! Mary here, and it's my turn to do a Google Search. It also happens to be Memorial Day, which is an American holiday to commemorate fallen soldiers (and, in true American fashion, an excuse to have big blowout sales and eat way too much unhealthy food).

Since this is an American holiday, I thought I'd see what people are asking Google about this lovely country and answer for them. As a born and bred American, someone who's lived here my entire life and received my all education in American schools (save for that one year I spent in Hong Kong as a seventh grader), I should be more than qualified to answer any and all questions about this country. That's how it works, right?

Okay, let's see what people are asking...

1. Why is America called America?

Ooh, ooh, teacher! Call on me! I know this one! It's because of Amerigo Vespucci, an Italian explorer and cartographer who demonstrated that what's now known as the Americas were not, in fact, part of Asia (as people thought back in the 1500s). And of course, the United States of America became a thing thanks to the Revolution back in the late 1700s, and people are too lazy to come up with a cooler name or say the whole thing, so America came to refer to just the USA, even though technically it should refer to two whole continents.

2. Why is America in debt?

Because of the military industrial complex? Seriously, why are we spending kajillions of dollars on fancy planes when... OH wait, that's just part of the story, isn't it? I mean, we do spend too much on... anyway, I digress. I think the real answer has to do with bonds. Like, people buy government bonds, so the government has money to buy those fancy planes and do other fancy government stuffs. But these bonds are basically fancy IOUs, and... WTF do I know. I dropped out of the economics department in college. True story.

3. Why is America so unequal?

That would be because of deregulation of the industries and the manipulations of the tax code to favor corporations and wealthy individuals, Stan. Don't like it? Tell rich people to pay their effing taxes like everyone else.

4. Why is America a republic?

Because the Constitution says so. And the Founding Fathers wrote it into the Constitution because they feared mob rule. Like, they wanted the will of the people to govern, but they also understood that people can be stupid. Really stupid. So instead of a direct democracy where any idiot can vote and decide how things work, they set up a republic where any idiot can vote, but that vote goes toward deciding which smarter, more qualified person can actually decide how things work. Basically, the Founding Fathers wanted a buffer between everyday idiots and the law of the land in case some whackadoo showman good at riling up the masses but terrible at everything else ever decided to run for office. The point of the republic is that even if everyday idiots were fooled by this whackadoo, the smarter, more qualified people representing them would put a stop to the whackadoo-ry before he effed up the country. Oh wait...

5. Why is America a popular destination for immigrants?

It's the economy, stupid. The American economy is one of the strongest in the world, which means you can make a lot more money here doing the same work as in other places (or doing less skilled work, which is why you have doctors from less developed countries working at cafeterias in the US). And then there's the whole history of this being a nation of immigrants and yadda yadda, but let's face it, if this "nation of immigrants" had a failing economy where no one could make a living, not only would the immigrants stop coming, but there'd be an exodus. Or, at least, that's my theory. I dunno. Like I said, I dropped out of the economics department.

6. Why is America a two-party system?

ALEXANDER HAMILTON!!