Rumpus Room Cigarette Break - The July 1974 issue of "Woman's Day"

     A few weeks ago I flew up to Philly/Jersey to meet my new nephew Chester (first time aunt you guys!).  As is the custom when our family gets together up in the northeast, we all went to my grandma's house for some Chinese takeout (not that she doesn't cook!).  I went down to rummage around in the basement and found this vintage gem on top of a bunch of Golden Book Encyclopedias of American History from 1963, pre-Kennedy assassination because there's a little foreword from him in each book.  Perhaps I shall explore those another time.  Today, though, grab your smokes, pop a Miltown or a Quaalude, and let's get domestically groovy.  Mostly through ads.

"No woman wants the world to see her at LESS THAN HER BEST - even for the BRIEFEST MOMENT!"  Poor Moira here.  Between the gas shortage and all that Nixon ugliness earlier in the year, not to mention the fact that Harvey keeps working longer and longer hours and Moira could SWEAR she smelled Love's Baby Soft on his jacket last week, Moira's got a lot to give her a migraine.  But mustn't let the pain show!  Mustn't let the world see anything but the shiniest female facade at all times!  

This mother of the bride chose Quaaludes, as did my own parents at their seventies nuptials.

Weird, apparently Woman's Day used to have a direct line to Yahweh.  Couldn't see this flying in a secular mag today, not with the "Twenty New Ways to Make Him Orgasm Using Only Hand Signals!" and such being the typical headlines.

BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO FIX YOUR FACE DON'T FORGET THAT!  Actually, this promotion sounds sort of like a subtle, secret way to signal your lesbianism in a day and age when coming out of the closet wasn't an option for most.  Invite your intended paramour over, leave out the tool box with the "You Don't Need A Man To Fix It Book" leaning on it, and tip her a wink as you light her Virginia Slim, because you've come a long way, baby, but you could both come a little more if you know what I'm sayin'.

Well, IS there?

I use the term "douche nozzle" as an insult all the time, but "douche powder" seems to have a classier, more refined feel.  And Massengill Douche Powder is triple-refined, now available in floral.

You know how pop culture phenomena have so many ripoffs and spinoffs that get lost in time?  This was the only puppet-based Manson Family murder cult ripoff, and now that Charlie is dead, let the world rediscover the wonders of the Mann Clan and Company!  Also, look how sweet the 409 packaging used to be, in ozone-decimating aerosol!

If you see this man, you need to put the cap back on the bleach and ventilate the area immediately.

Every women's magazine before 1980 had to include at least one recipe for a Jello mold.  It was the law.

Guess who's got more kidney?  I hope it wasn't the Jello mold.  They had meat ones too, ya know.  Sounds like kidney was the trendy pet food ingredient of the time, like lamb and rice in the 90s.

Barbara here is definitely taking Linda here back to her place after this to check out her new Virginia Slims toolbox, which may contain other unexpected pleasures.

You say "good candy," I say grandma candy.  Fun fact - most of the candies purchased with these coupons are still in your grandma's candy dish to this day!

"Gimme a baby prince valiant" said no woman ever, I hope.  Soft and feathery maybe, but who wants to look like an infantilized version of the least read comic in the history of comics?

This one - this one is an emotional journey.  This took me through the mountains and the valleys.  Read the whole thing.

Smoke menthols and you'll be a wholesome un-aging German sex vampire, just like Heidi Klum!

High fashion couture of the day.  The hat trick is good for pulling over your face when you realize you're wearing a massive bath robe in public.

The question mark necklace stands for why am I wearing the afghan off my aunt's couch as a skirt?

Omg what is this what is this what even is this?  Ten year old bombshell?  "Ma, He's Making Eyes At Me" is her big hit?!  Oh Jesus, I just looked this girl up and it's as bad as you'd think: she became anorexic at 13 when puberty made her stop fitting into her costumes, got depressed, got destitute and into some bad marriages, got shock treatments, then died at 35 after having "pioneering psychosurgical operation" and getting pneumonia as a complication.  Christ.

Knick knacks will cheer you up!  Just vacuum clean the sad off your face!  From the age before drunken Amazon purchases, a woman had to hand-address an envelope to a PO Box number and write a check to buy a weird crappy overpriced ceramic poodle after hitting the cooking sherry a little too hard.

Ohhh, I get it, cuz the hair will be mysteriously gone like the aviatrix herself.

Okay for real though this is Kim Basinger on the back cover.  Hairstyling contest for high school seniors is how she got her big break?  If only I'd entered that Herbal Essence Top Scrunchie Look contest back in my high school days, I too could have had a child by Alec Baldwin by now!